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Janeway thoroughly enjoyed these gatherings, and she was grateful that her former crew hardly needed an excuse for them. There was always at least one a month, and Voyager’s ex-CO made a point of attending as many as possible, as it gave her a chance to forget that she was an Admiral now, and that they were finally home. She desperately missed the companionship of Voyager. She missed the understanding, and the feeling of everyone being in this together. They were truly a family.
This particular gathering, that had the largest attendance so far, was for Christmas. Even Tom and B’Elanna had made the trip from Boreth to be here, and almost the entire crew had come back to Earth to celebrate one of the most important events of the Delta Quadrant. Despite the fact that many of the crew did not honour the holiday, it had become a time to celebrate having survived another year and that they had their lives and each other. Like Prixin, everyone joined in. Those who did not usually celebrate Christmas respected the beliefs of those who did, and those who did made every effort to include the others.
The new Admiral sat by the wall, watching everyone else enjoy themselves. Harry and his girlfriend, Libby, were whispering to each other as they danced. Janeway felt the familiar stab of jealousy. Harry had been able to get home and pick up his life. His lover had waited for him, and still loved him enough to be with him, despite what they’d both been through. Some others of the crew had been just as lucky, but most, like herself, had come back to a Quadrant that had moved on without them. She felt especially for the Marquis. Almost all of them had returned to nothing. Their families and homes had been destroyed, and they no longer had a cause to fight for. She realised every night, during her vain attempts to sleep, that she was one of the luckier ones. She had come home to her mother and sister, and a Starfleet that still wanted her- had promoted her in fact. Even Mark’s marriage no longer caused her pain. That had faded a long time ago. His wife, Carla, was a wonderful woman, and she and Kathryn had become friends.
She’d just taken a sip of her drink when a tiny projectile rocketed towards her, attaching itself to her legs. Miral’s sharp fingernails plundered the fabric of Janeway’s beige pants, and she winced and extricated herself.
“Miral, honey,” she lifted the toddler up. “Are you trying to wreck my new outfit?”
The Klingon child just grinned a trademark Paris grin and hugged her Aunt Kathy back.
“You worry me when you smile like that”
Miral turned in the Admiral’s arms to sit on her lap, watching the festivities as she was, and Kathryn, enjoying the feel of a child in her arms, wandered back to her musings. Chakotay was late, which was very unusual. He always came to these gatherings, and he always arrived on time. She wondered briefly if it had anything to do with the other night, but then dismissed the thought. He had no way of knowing she’d chickened out again. She hoped.
They’d been talking about the crew after dinner, and she’d told him about the offer for Voyager’s Captaincy. The rest of the speech she’d rehearsed was on the tip of her tongue, but she lost her nerve. After he’d left, Janeway had paced her apartment, justifying to herself that he probably couldn’t handle a declaration of undying love after her other news. And then she realised she didn’t really have a leg to stand on.
Seven was no longer an excuse. Indeed, she never had been, as that relationship had ended before it had really begun, and the Admiral knew of the blossoming romance between the former drone and the Doctor. She wished them all the happiness in the world, while at the same time, could feel herself turning green with envy. Her loneliness was becoming something that preyed on her mind constantly. Her relationship with Chakotay was still strong- but no more at the moment than strong friendship. They spent a lot of time together, but Kathryn found herself wanting more. Every meal they shared, every walk they went on, and every comm. message reminded her how much she loved him, and how much she needed him in her life. Knowing he was just the other side of the bulkhead had been a great comfort to her during their time in the Delta Quadrant.
Chakotay hadn’t accepted the Captaincy, explaining that he wanted some time to think about it. She understood of course, but he’d been very quiet, and had left early, which had worried her. Part of her wanted the promotion for him. It would be a huge step forward in a career that had been nothing but side-shuffles. But the rest of her knew that if he accepted Voyager, she would see him less often, and that the rest of the Admiralty would frown on their relationship, if indeed it ever came to that.
Another gathering, just for the senior staff was planned for after the party, and Janeway hoped that Chakotay would be here for that. She planned to have worked up sufficient courage by then. The irony did not elude her. The infamous Kathryn Janeway, afraid to tell her best friend that she was in love with him.
“Aunt Kathy?” Naomi had appeared, and Janeway was again struck by how much the little girl had grown. She smiled at her.
“Where were you, Admiral?”
“What do you mean?”
Naomi scrambled onto the seat next to her, and took Miral from Janeway’s lap. The half-Ktarian had been appointed chief baby-sitter for the night, and took her duties very seriously. “You looked light years away. I called you twice”
Janeway smiled at her again, marvelling at the girl’s intuitiveness. “I was just thinking, Naomi.”
A new voice came from her other side. “Penny for them?” B’Elanna asked as she sat in the spare seat on Janeway’s right.
Janeway turned, and gave her former Engineer a long look. After a moment, she decided she needed someone to talk to, and B’Elanna was someone she trusted completely. And she was Chakotay’s oldest friend.
“B’E, can I ask you something?”
Torres was surprised. Janeway almost never called her ‘B’E’. “Sure”
“How’s Chakotay?”
“I’m not sure I know what you mean, Ad-.” At Janeway’s glare she quickly amended. “Kathryn. You’ve been seeing him just as much as I have. Probably more since Tom and I have been on Boreth.”
The older woman took a deep breath. “I mean, when he’s not with me? How is he?”
Seeing her normally forthright and confident commander so apprehensive certainly brought a shock to the half-klingon’s system. “Kathryn? What are you worried about?”
Janeway couldn’t meet B’Elanna’s eyes. “I think you know”
Torres drew in a sharp breath with a hiss. Staring at the petite woman beside her, she marvelled at what an enigma Kathryn Janeway was. This short redhead could stare down the Borg, but face her with a lover… well, that was something different. Placing her hand on the Admiral’s arm, B’Elanna drew her attention back from the floor. Janeway’s eyes were bright, and the engineer had never seen her look more vulnerable. “He loves you.” She shook her head in exasperation. “Even after everything, he’ll never stop loving you”
Janeway nodded, swallowing tightly.
“That’s what you were worried about?” Torres asked, meeting the other woman’s gaze. “That he might not want you anymore?”
Again, the Admiral just nodded, not trusting herself to speak.
“The two of you…” B’E smiled, and rolled her eyes. “Trust me Kathryn, all you have to do is say the words”
“What words?”
Both women looked up in surprise at the sound of Chakotay’s voice. Janeway’s expression was a dead give away while Torres recovered first. “Oh, nothing important, old man.”
His eyes narrowed, but he let it drop, instead turning his attention to Janeway. “I’m sorry I’m late,” he said, taking her hand, and pulling her to her feet. “I had some last minute errands to run”
“Errands?” She noticed absently that he was leading her onto the dance floor without so much as an invitation.
“I’ll tell you later.” Chakotay wrapped his arms around Kathryn, and held her close. The song was slow; they swayed gently together amongst the other couples.
Kathryn could feel one big hand rubbing softly up and down her back, while the other caressed her own. She hadn’t noticed her fingertips on his shoulder grazing his neck, but she did realise how right it felt to be held here by him, so close and secure, and that now was the time.
“Chakotay,” she began quietly, and his hold on her tightened. She looked up at him, and was surprised to see fear in his eyes. What was he afraid of? That she was about to tell him that their actions her were inappropriate? That she was going to push him away again? It wrenched at her heart that he thought that, and she couldn’t bear to see him afraid of her. Looking down at their clasped hands, she found her courage. Squeezing his hand, she looked back up, and said so softly it was almost a whisper: “I love you”
It was as though a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She had finally said it, and she hadn’t been rejected. Watching his expression was like seeing the sunrise. He eyes widened, and a smile as wide as Voyager’s saucer section split his face.
“Oh, Kathryn” he whispered, and crushed her to him. Janeway held him back just as tightly, tears of relief stinging her eyes.
After a moment he released her a bit, and they grinned at each other like teenagers. Her wandering fingertips caressed his face, and then made their way into his hair. “I don’t have to order you to kiss me, do I?”
Chakotay laughed softly and shook his head as his hands slid down to the small of her back. They were both oblivious to the rest of the room, which was a good thing too, as everyone had started staring. Silly grins adorned every non-Vulcan face. It had taken almost eight years for the Commanding Officers to see the light, and their crew couldn’t be happier.
Kathryn stretched up to meet him halfway, and as they kissed, gently and tenderly, the room broke out into raucous cheers.
=/\=
Later, as the senior staff sat around the open fireplace together, a thought occurred to Janeway. She tilted back her head to look at Chakotay. “Why were you late?”
He looked at her for a second, deciding whether or not to tell her right then, and then smiled. “I was finishing your Christmas present”
Her eyebrow raised. “Finishing?”
Chakotay shifted, fishing in his pocket. After a moment, he produced a tiny box. It wasn’t wrapped, but Kathryn didn’t notice. She knew what this was. “Is this what I think it is?” she breathed.
“Open it”
Taking the box from him gingerly, as though if she held it too tight it would break, she cradled it in her palm for a moment. There was silence from the others as they looked on. This was too important to interrupt, and they didn’t want to break the spell.
Janeway stared at the blue velvet. She was almost afraid. Chakotay nudged her gently, his arms still wrapped around her from behind. “Open it”, he said again in her ear, very quietly.
Slowly, very slowly, drawing the moment out, Kathryn opened the box. Inside, cradled in red velvet, was a platinum and diamond ring. The band was thin underneath and thickened out on top, where there were dozens of tiny diamonds. “Oh Chakotay”
Reaching around her, Chakotay took the ring from its velvet, and holding her hand in his, slid it onto her finger. “Marry me Kathryn”
She couldn’t speak; could only stare at their clasped hands and her new ring in wonder. Chakotay placed a kiss to her temple, and she turned to meet his eyes. “Yes” She kissed him. “Yes, I’ll marry you, my love”
He squeezed her tight against his chest. “There’s something else.” He paused, staring into the flames for a moment, and Kathryn knew then that he was afraid she wouldn’t like what he had to say. “I’m resigning from Starfleet, but I’ve accepted a position at the Academy as a civilian lecturer.” He looked up at her, anxious for her reaction. “What do you think?”
Janeway smiled, a hand going to his cheek. “Did you think I would disapprove? Love, this is what you want to do?” At his nod, she continued. “Then it’s perfect. You’ll be at the Academy, not away on a starship. I won’t outrank you, so they’ll be no reason for those stuffy Admirals to object,” she ignored the smirks from the others. “And you’ll be teaching again, and I know how much you enjoy that.”
“Well” Tom interrupted. “That’s enough mushy stuff for now” He reached past his wife to the gifts placed under the tree. “My little terror here wants her presents”
B’Elanna elbowed him.
“I was talking about Miral!”
Fini
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Christmas Courage
